Words...I need you tonight

On a Journey...

He was high on Poison. They didn't kill him, they took him on a ride, a long journey. Wandering in disdain, looking for a familiar yet solitary place. Here and there, reached nowhere. Probably he was running in circles. Well, at least the places were familiar and he ended up at the same place where he started.

I pined some words tonight

never have they abandoned me

craved in sincere misery or glee

I need them again tonight.

You might not understand them

maybe you don't know them

but they know you well

they understand you well

perhaps, even more than you

perhaps, even more than me

I pined some words tonight

worthless, voiceless not soulless

ageless, ruthless not lifeless

desolating me, define you and fail

You might not hear them cry

blame your soul, even soldiers cry

society, customs, religion and gold

blinded by lust, as if sun-rays of gold

definitely, sweeter than your revenge

definitely, stronger than my desires

I pined some words tonight

rapes, murders and money they abominate

resolved to awake you they readily circulate

happily will they guide you, every night.

I wrote these words tonight

still excited, perhaps i am tired

hoping you'll wake up soon

you ain't even sleeping you know

take these words, you need my niche

I'll survive, of discomfort no one dies.

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Playing in my head : 'Society' by Eddie Vedder

To Kill a Genuine Expectation?

I don't mind people. I don't mind that they have opinions. Actually, different human beings have different opinions and this creates a lot of confusion. The worst part, opinion of the Majority is what actually counts and the rest us are left  abandoned and labeled as a Minority. 

Coming back to the point, i was always amused by the pretty famous quote by someone that goes something like this 

"Never expect anything from anyone, because expectation always hurts."

This never made sense to me. The first part never and the latter, a few times. But I still never fail to expect things from OTHERS. 

There are 2 aspects of this debate. 'Who are the OTHERS' and 'What to expect'.

Let's start with 'Others'. They are not everyone around you, not everyone you meet. They are those special people in your Life whom you Love and who claim to Love you. Be it your Friends, Family, Better-half or the Night watchman in your Apartment. If they claim to care about you, they should and must stand up to your expectations and you have the full right to expect from them, and so do they.

Now comes the question, What to expect ? Well, as long as you are not expecting insanities like Stars, Moon and Magical Herbs from the Himalayas etc. you are on the right track. If you expect them to run on your commands or do everything according to your wish, you are wrong. If you expect them to laugh with you when you are right and laugh with you even when you are wrong, you are wrong. Actually, it's not always the unfulfilled expectation that hurts, it's actually your over-the-moon expectations that hurt, you hurt yourself, you are to blame for your own misery. This is how things work and this is what makes sense. If you are living your life on the above lines, you don't have the effing right to claim that expectations hurt.

Having said that, what if even your most genuine expectations are not answered, time and again. Blimey, it's time you realized that the person whom you thought to be your closest one, wasn't actually. You made a wrong decision, you chose the wrong person, you prioritized all the wrong relationships. Perhaps, it's the time to let them go. Or if they are too close to you, so close that you can't even imagine letting them go then keep them and suffer, cause they are your weakness. No matter how many times, your expectations are met or not, you won't let them go, irrespective of whether it hurts or not.

Besides, you have the full right now to expect something good from me since you landed here. You were right to expect and it's my fault if i haven't satisfied you enough. Having said that, the fact remains that this is my place, Bitches! I get to write what i want. But without wax, i hope this made some sense in your life.

Also, this was just an attempt to write a post in this otherwise dormant blog. I have stopped writing poems because classes are over and i am unable to find any time to waste on rhyming words. so, thanks for bearing with this rather subtle post, especially since today is 14th Feb, Happy Valentine's Day Guys!

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Playing in my Head - Too many songs, leave it. Enjoy and Cheers...

Juliet and the Angel

The best i could come up with.

She was a father's dream, a mother's pride
a sister's hope and a brother's delight
she was a special soul, angel in disguise
ready to bloom, a flower in her prime

Her papa said, "Darling, this is a cruel world"
She said, "I have grown up now, you needn't care"

She fell in the trap of a game called love
a self proclaimed Juliet, she chose to revolt
she took her own decisions, made her own destiny
fate had some other plans to make it a misery

An alleged Romeo, cigarettes and whiskey for company
some pseudo friends who basked in her fake glory
with Romeo by her side, she drowned in some wine
a flower was plucked, she lost something priceless that night

She fled with him in haste to a land miles away
tasted real life without money or a place to stay
friends became ghost, the Romeo left her blue
the day he discovered that the flower carried a seed too

She cried for days, drowned in sorrow and despair
afraid to return back home, decided to disappear
with the baby inside her, walked on to the pier
a familiar voice stopped her, the angel was here

A stray old close friend whom she chose to forget
stood there firmly and she cried in regret
memories answered as winds of change stroked her face
crying like a child, she ran into his arms, feeling more than just safe

He said i am glad i could almost make it on time
i was always yours but you were never mine
i walked away fearing i will never get you back
but i swear that i tried my best to get you on track

Now one last time, i dare you to escape this night
take my hand and i will make everything alright
wipe your tears, make you smile, even die for you
in the name of God i swear, i have always loved you

Timeline of life rolled through her perturbed mind
moment of truth embraced the moment of realization
thirsty lips suddenly found an ocean to exhaust
unrequited love returned, faith was restored.

Papa was really right all along, she sighed
"Darling, this is a cruel world." Indeed, she cried.


PS - This one took a whole lifetime to complete...phew!

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Playing in my head - "Brendan's Death Song" by RHCP

120 minutes, for those who matter!

For those who matter the most

Time, in its truest form is something which is rarely invested in subjects most important to us. Well, money and work, both go hand in hand and the reason why we work to earn money is never actually attributed to that reason. We rant that we work for our loved ones and for our needs but sadly, at the end of the day, the ones who are least rewarded are the same people!


Quoting Jesse from the 1995 movie, "Before Sunrise" -
"You know what drives me crazy? It's all these people talking about how great technology is, and how it saves all this time. But, what good is saved time, if nobody uses it? If it just turns into more busy work."

Makes sense, right?
So If you had two extra hours in a day, how would you spend it? Look at your life, Technology definitely gives you more time but you spend it by doing even more work. You have Washing Machines, Computers, Vehicles and other machines that do your work instantaneously and thus gives you more time, which instead of using for even more work, one must actually spend on themselves and their loved ones.

If i had 2 extra hours in a day, i would "waste" it all in the company of my family, love of my life and in the lap of mother nature- because they are the 3 most beautiful part of my life and actually everyone's life. I would fulfill all their wishes, keep my promises, make them feel loved, cared and most important of all, give them what they want the most from me - my time. I would take my family on a car ride to see the beauty of nature and teach them to appreciate it. I would just sit with them, let them talk, be there to listen, be there for them.

All this is a fiction, no one's giving you 2 extra hours because basically you don't need them. We all have those 2 extra hours, 120 extra minutes, just that we haven't realized its importance yet. By default, we have programmed our self to "invest" that extra time that we have in doing more work and earning more money instead of "wasting" it on our loved ones, the ones who really require our spare time, if not our already occupied time.
The sooner we figure this out, the better for us because work can wait, even money can wait...but time, you know right? Time and tide waits for none!

Born to shine...

Sitara and the Cloud

It was one of those nights - cold, stormy, dark and scary - the one which could frighten any human being. For the stars, it was like a dream come true. Nothing adds more to a star's beauty than the darkness, light and darkness are like Romeo and Juliet, they just can't leave each other alone.

So, this star, they called him Sitara was twinkling happily in the dark night sky. Slowly, as the Humans went into an inert state by switching off their bedroom lights, darkness started replacing those lights. Sitara, encouraged by the darkness, started twinkling with more energy and frequency, he was loving it, loving the fact that he was serving the purpose of its existence. He rejoiced at the fact that he was a good star, his friends and family were all proud of him and it meant everything to him. He was a good star, who had good friends and he was proud of them, his most prized possessions.

Life has its own way of teaching us a few things. You might not want to grow up, you might not want to be mature, but you have to, eventually. The best thing about life is that no body can force you to grow up...the worst part is that it's not your call, fate can do wonders, forcing you to grow up when you least expect it being one of them. And it happened, suddenly a big white cloud, gaining momentum from the stormy winds - taking various deceptive forms - started blowing and obstructed the view of Sitara. It was the same cloud. He tried to control his nerves, it wasn't the first time after all, but stars don't like it, the fact that they can't do anything about it makes it more unbearable for them. Sitara was one of them but now he had enough.

He said to himself, "No, not again. What is his problem? Why always me. Well, this is it, i can control myself once or even twice, but i just can't let it become a habit."

Everyone told him to calm down, they told him there was nothing Starringly possible that they could do.

He answered them, "We are stars, right? We were made to shine, to twinkle and to make everyone watching us happy...and i won't let anybody take that away from me, cause that's what i was born for. I never did anything bad to this cloud, then why the fuck he has a problem with me. I won't let him take what's mine, i won't let him shatter my self-respect, not every time. This is it, i will fight. I didn't ask for it but since that cloud asked for it, i won't disappoint him. The war is on."

They warned him, "You are just a star, you don't stand a chance against that cloud. That cloud is like that, ignore him, besides he is more powerful, you will lose, you are nothing."

Sitara replied, "That's the problem. Just because we have taken him for granted doesn't means he can play with our emotions, not with mine at least. I will try 20 times - i don't care if i fail 19 times out of that - but even if i succeed once out of those 20 times, that's enough for me. Because this not about supremacy, not at all...but it is about self-respect, and even once if i succeed in hitting back, those 19 hits i receive won't mean anything, cause i would have earned my self-respect."

They understood there was no use trying. Finally, the gave up and said, "Okay then, go ahead. We will back you up, let's see what happens. Don't worry about anything, nothing can happen to you till we are here. You just..."

He stopped them midway, " I know you all care for me. I know we are a family and i am a part of it and you care for me. But this is different, this is my war and i will fight it alone. This cloud has a problem with me and it will be only me who will deal with this. Just be there to take me back home in case something happens to me but no one will join me in this war, i will fight alone. He started it and i am gonna end it, period!"

No one said anything, they understood it was inevitable.

As fate had it, a war was raged and somebody won. No one knew who won, nobody cared to know actually...but they all knew one thing, that there was a star who had to fight, against his wish, against his philosophies and against his principles. A star who refused to remain dormant, who fought for his self respect.
Sitara, a star, who was born to shine!

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Playing in my head - "Winds of change" by Scorpions.

Happy Birthday SAM

Tonight, as i type this post...even the music of Dire Straits playing in my headphone is finding it difficult to give me any type of comfort. This is something rare, cause music rarely betrays anyone. Tonight, it is different, because the clock shows the time is past 12am, its his BIRTHDAY, it is Sam's Birthday.

Sam, during our last party in Vikas.

Sam, or Samanyoya Kulari, his original name, was as strange as his real name. He was of the kind which is impossible to ignore and impossible to hate. Our friendship developed during those 2 years in Vikas, from where we passed our High School, and those 2 years were enough to make us very good friends. The fact that Vikas was a place where friends were the only thing you prized most and needed most, made it easier to develop that bond among us and many other guys and resulted in a friendship that will last long enough, longer than us i guess.

All smiles, before separation!

The best part about our very own Oriya Stud Sam, that forced me to dislike him for the first time, was his attitude towards everyone. No matter how much a guy pissed him off or how good a guy was, his attitude was same towards them. His approach was different only towards his close ones, his close friends. I mean he seriously didn't knew how to hate buggers and big assholes. I was actually kinda envy of him, i seriously could never behave normally with someone i hated the most. That's why i didn't really liked him at first, but later when i came to know him completely, i understood that it was his nature, it was his attitude to not let others guide his senses, which was actually pretty good, something which we all lack. He meant it when he said "why should my mind even think of someone who is even more useless than a  used matchstick".

During our semi reunion in 2008(Jamshedpur)

There was nothing that came in between us, once i understood him. You ask everyone who knew him, for some he was a "love guru", for some he was a "chill guru" and for some he was a true friend...for me, he was that part of my life, which taught me some important lessons of life that no textbook or teacher could ever teach me.

He was a good student, a very bright student, not that it matters, but it needs a special mention. He was the reason i started hating DEATH so much, he was the beginning of the realisation inside me what a cruel thing death was, how we can't control our lives, how our life still has to move on without the ones we love, how difficult it is to lose something you can't replace! His and a few more precious lives that i lost, led to this poem i wrote a few months back on death.

Sometime, during my second year in college, in 2009 i guess...one rare day when i forgot to take my cell phone to class, when i returned back from the class, i saw around 20-25 missed calls and a dozen texts, some asking and some telling me about Sam's death, he was in college only that time. I remember my first reaction was that it must be a joke, i mean how can it happen out of nothing. They said he met with a Bike Accident last night and i started to think that the news was real once i talked to Bunty(a close common friend) but he was also not 100% sure that time but soon, after a couple of more calls, it was confirmed, Sam was not with us anymore. My mind started racing, thinking of how we met in Vikas and then i suddenly realised that we chatted online (thank you Gtalk)  the very night before his accident and i logged in to my Google account and i read it for about 20-30 times continuously. It was impossible to convince my mind and heart that Sam was dead, like i didn't wanted to believe he was dead, like i wanted to change everything.

Enjoying...was so good! bunty, sam and me :)

All said and grieved, you feel life is such a bitch, when looking back in time you see that, no matter how much you cried, no matter how much you cursed everything, no matter how much you wished for this world to end, this life goes on, you move on with those pains and you live, you are forced to a lifetime imprisonment to life, and that sucks, more than anything else.

Memories!!!

  Life, You Suck!!!

Memories

And it all began, when the end was near
now it ceases to end, there's only pain and fear
i tried too hard, fought back to stand tall
it wasn't my choice, i never wanted to fall
stand up, move on and fight back i was told
is that even an option, can memories be sold ?



you can't come back, you have gone too far
you told me this and gave the deepest scar
but too many things left unsaid, this isn't the end
i will wait forever, even after my back bends
standing up against all the odds, i rise to fight
to hold you again and keep forever in my sight.

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Playing in my head - "Falling stars" by JET